Ponderings

A Crack In The Sidewalk

There are those that tried to stop me, many who attempted to trip me up and even a few who showed up on my path only to revel in my occasional wavering step. Some even threw stones as I passed them by – and pass them by I did. Not of defiance nor smugness, I just knew I had to keep going forward or I would falter, fade and fail and their intent was to make it happen.

I used to stop frequently and look back to see where they were. They are so far behind me now that I cannot see even the faintest glimpse of them, so I no longer look back, except in my mind’s eye. It brings tears to my eyes that some of them are gone, even though they were unkind and hateful in their words and actions.

So, I keep walking, not merely forward but rather, into the future with each step. Whenever I stop walking, it is only to breathe deep the air, take a look all around me, smell the flowers, say hello and give blessings and ‘thank you’ to the Ents and the birds who reside within them. It becomes my time to tune in, to listen to the chords of nature, to not miss the tiniest sign or remembrance of miracles that exist all around us that most people rarely stop to acknowledge.

Like the crack in the sidewalk that was bubbling water as I stepped over it the other day. I thought it was a curious sight, water bubbling from a crack in the sidewalk. My mind processed soon enough, for my mind was open and my heart free of clutter. The water table in the area was high because the snow was melting, which meant the weather was warming and Spring was close to arriving, then everything would be green again and things would be reborn after a deathly winter. I witnessed the cycle of life in a single crack in the sidewalk within the nanosecond it took for me to step over it. I think I shall flash upon this moment in my very last moments and marvel once again.    

It is things like this, things that so overwhelmingly beautiful to me that I cry for the sheer intensity of the world that I carry upon my shoulders. I cannot bear to see images or stories of animals abused by humans or crimes against children because it is so dark and so evil, and I feel helpless to change, because I cannot do it alone though I try. Yet, when I saw a goose fall into the too thin ice today, and it had to struggle to get out, I was ready to dive in to save it. I can’t swim well enough to do such things so my life as well would have been at risk. This didn’t matter to me. I stood and watched the goose free itself, then blessed it and prayed it wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. For the goose it was a accident of nature for it to fall through the ice, for me to save it would have been an ironic twist to the story of my life. She saved a goose but couldn’t save herself. 

Each day I pray that my only brother and my only sister do not leave me on this Earth alone. I do not want to be the last to go, nor the first. My brother and I were close as children, not so close as adults, but recently he had a major health crisis, and if not for the fast action of his wife, he may have passed. He has never phoned me so much as he does now since this scare. As of this writing, the last words we spoke to each were “I love you”. There is nothing more important than those words, to be spoken each day.    

And yes, one day, very soon, as I can sense it will have be, I must tell my best friend my deepest secret, one that may change the whole existence of our friendship, our past as lovers in love, our future, our Now. He may already know, he may not. Perhaps he is only remaining silent himself. It is all so uncertain, but I have set a deadline to tell him. I know exactly the day when I will share the words which I have kept hidden from him for much too long. It has weighed heavy on my heart, and I can no longer carry it, even at the risk of losing him forever. Which I know is impossible. We are Infinite.

Then, a new friend appears, once an old enemy, but the truth goes much deeper than what appears upon the surface. A trust we never learned, was broken and destroyed before it was ever allowed to blossom to begin with…unfortunate. Love can wound and scar, even when it is not yours to behold. So many times we were pitted in the ring against one another, when in fact, there was no ring, no fight, no cause for concern or adversity. So, love was never the abuser, it was Fear all along. Only Fear destroys. Love heals. I do not know how this friend and I will conquer in the aftermath, but I do know it must be so. There is greater purpose – and thus Fear stepped in to prevent us from being friends. It must be a powerful and sacred friendship, then, for someone to want to stop it from ever beginning. Yes?

Photo by @ Jeff Miller

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2 thoughts on “A Crack In The Sidewalk”

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